the come back

I woke up this morning, and knew today was the day.
It had been nine months since I was able to do it without stopping.
Fear and doubt had been standing in my way,
too high to climb, too large to go around.

I have mentioned before that my Lyme hit hard last fall.
What it affected most was my ability to run.
It was torture. 
Something I once loved so much, became nearly impossible.
My lungs refused the simple in-and-out of air.
My heart threatened to burst out of my chest.
My shoes filled with cement and glued themselves to the ground.
Distances got shorter (and felt longer)
Hills could only be done at a walk.
and soon, not at all.
Last fall I ran THIS relay, and on mile three of my 3rd leg,
my body just stopped.

"no more running",
it said.

I was devastated.
I have never quit.
anything.
My mind said "go!"
"don't stop!"
but nothing would listen.
all was still.

except my tears.

I stopped running.
I dove deeper and found some relief in yoga,
but I still feared I would never be back to my running self.
I missed it.
I needed it.
But I just couldn't.

I slowly (we are talking slllloooooowwwwwwwly)
started to run again in January.
It was hard.
heavy.
But I kept at it.
I had been working with my doctors, who were optimistic,
and I was starting (slowwwwwly) to see results.
a mile here.
another there .
walking up the hill,
but moving.

more miles,
small hills.
I started to feel good.
I raced.
I ran more hills.
steeper.
longer.
hard,
but possible.

I was doing it. 

But I still hadn't done The Hill.

The Hill is a hill I have been running for the past few years.
Sometimes I'd run it twice, just for kicks.

It's only 1.2 miles to the top....easy, right?
But you climb 510 feet in that mile.....
....yeah, you feel that.
your legs, your lungs, your heart.
They ask you to stop,
but you continue to climb.

The last time I ran The Hill,
I wasn't even half way up and my body refused to go.
My feet were just too heavy.
I had to stop.

This has haunted me ever since.

I have been afraid that upon my return,
I wouldn't be able to do it.

But I knew it had to be done.
And I knew it could be.
So I would try.

I slipped into my road shoes, which are always happy to greet me.
They don't get much action these days, as I prefer to run around in the mountains,
but they know what to do.

I was nervous.

What if I couldn't?
I would anyway.

I started out slow.
I checked in.
My legs felt good.
lungs, good.
heart, beating. good.

I pushed.
It got steeper.
steeper.
whoa.


I passed the point on the road where my body had given up last time.
I ran right through.

I have been listening to a lot of Fun,
and this lyric was playing on repeat in my head,
"oh my head is on fire,
 but my legs are fine,
after all they are mine"*

I checked in.

My legs were fine.
they were fine!
I had built this up so much in my head,
and I was fine.
I was doing it.

Step after step I climbed.
My legs carried me up up up to the top.

I made it.
I ran it.
It felt good.
I was back.

****

I have an incredibly cheesy (and for the most part useless) ability to turn any running situation into a metaphor for life.
Really, give me a challenge in life, and I will find someway to relate it to running.
Why does my brain work this way? Who knows.
In writing this I realized that no matter how down-and-out we may be,
NOTHING
is permanent.
Changes will slowly happen,
if we continue to try,
 and have patience.

Robby is just about done with school.
We are on a countdown by week now.
weeks!!!

Over the past two years there have been times,
low times,
where I just feared I couldn't do it.

He has been working so hard at school,
and it leaves me home by myself.
a lot.

It's lonely.
It's hard.
We miss him.
There have been times (several)
where I didn't know how we would ever be back to our normal family life.
Months seemed like they would take years.
One school block felt like a lifetime.
Time passed too slow.

But here we are.
I see the top of the hill.
I can check in with myself,
with my family,
and I know we are fine.
I have built it up in my head to be scarier than it really is.
We are making it.
We are almost,
just about,
steps away,
 from the top.
and it feels good.

*carry on, by fun

motherly

me and mine. mother's day 2012.

A mother. 

I have one. 

You do too.

I am one. 

Maybe you are too.....

We may have similarities, 

and differences. 

I have two children. 

Maybe you have four. 

or ten. 

or one on the way.

Do you have teenagers? 

Babies?

or inbetweens?

all of the above.

Maybe you drive a minivan. 

Maybe you walk.

You may dress your kids in all the latest trends.

You may just be happy if their shirt facing is the right direction.

Or maybe you are just thankful that you own a shirt for them at all.

Does your family live in an apartment? 

Or on a farm?

In an igloo?

A little red house?

Maybe for dinner you cooked and ate the chicken that you hatched and raised and plucked and butchered all by yourself. 

Maybe you went through the drive-through.

Maybe you work full time. 

Maybe you stay home. 

Maybe you love it. 

Maybe it's hard. 

Maybe, both.

Every single mother is different. 

But, I think, that's ok. 

I think, the important thing, 

is the ONE thing we all DO have in common. 

We ARE mothers. 

Who cares if we do it a little bit differently!?

Who cares if it's not always perfect (it never is).

WHO CARES:

what others think, say, talk about, or do. 

Nothing makes YOU more, or less. 

As long as you are there,

for them. 

Present.

Aware.

In tune.

Nothing else matters.

No one else can do it like you do. 

Because YOU are,

a mother.

this and that

photos taken by Robby in Pilanesberg, South Africa

more coming next week!

the past few weeks I have ever-so-kindly pushed the internet to the corner (that needs dusting) and just kind of forgot about it (as evidence of my lack of posting).....

....and it's been kind of....

...awesome.

The internet can be an exhausting place! 

SOmuchSTUFF.

EVERYTHINGsoPERFECT.

And it's all just LOOKING and not enough DOING.

It's nice to go away from it for a while....I recommend it. 

(as a "blogger" am I supposed to recommend that you leave the internet.?...probably not. oh well.)

I think I have an addiction to sunshine.....I can't seem to keep myself inside with the weather so perfect. playing. planting. reading. sitting. anything-involving-sunshine.

I have had some really great ideas for blog posts (just today I was thinking how I really need to write another post about my love for yoga), but thanks to the above two facts......I'm having a hard time getting that done. 

I really, really,  really really love yoga. 

I get giddy every time I unroll my mat, wondering what my practice will bring this time.

I think my kids would LIVE on their bikes if I let them.

 Any extra second of their day is spent on a bicycle.

 Everything tastes better on the grill. pizza. burgers. veggies. fish. 

what are you grilling this weekend?

 The school year needs to be done. I feel us all checking out.....just a few more weeks to go....even the MR. will be done..... FOREVER!!!

Most days, my hair looks like Hagrid's.

I am really obsessed with long skirts.
so so so so comfortable.
It's like pajamas, all day long!

I finally have a camping trip planned. and coming SOON. 

eeeeeeeekkkkk!

Our farmer's market opens up in less than a month!!!

yes it's on my calendar.

Sunday is Mother's Day!!
Being a mother is the best thing ever in the history of the universe, and I highly recommend it.
It gets better and better every day as I watch and help my Littles grow.
Happy Mother's Day to my own mom! Even after 29 years I still need her to rush down to my rescue every now and then. 

annnnndddd.....I'm checking out again for the weekend. 

Goodbye internet, there's more grilling and hiking to be done. 

What are YOU doing this weekend? Turn off your computer and get yourself outside!

Happy Weekend!

worth 1000

Isn't that what they say?

A picture is worth 1000 words.

words. 

feelings. senses. memories.

I was able to quickly snap this one photo today,

and it overflows my brain with all the images from our day.

summer on its way.

a breeze.

sprinklers.

swimsuits.

sunscreen.

digging.

muddy toes.

dirt. on my fingers, elbows, knees, face.

the taste of it on my lips.

tomato plants....in the ground.

lady bugs.

worms.

a butterfly fluttering by.

two Littles patting the earth.

tiny plants that will grow, grow, grow.... taller than their keepers.

If you took ONE picture today, what would it tell me?
challenge: I dare you to take ONE photo today. just one that sums up your entire day, touches every sense, speaks more to you than it may appear at first glance.

It may not be perfectly composed, styled, or thought out........but to YOU, it's perfect.

feel free to post a link here in the comments so we can all see what you do.

over the weekend.....

This was the best weekend ever in the history of the world.

"but how can a weekend be so fabulous?", you ask?

let me tell you.

where to start.......

Friday the kids had a birthday party, which meant a quick date for us--we hit up sushi. 

mmmm....

We then fell asleep at 9:30. 

on a friday night. 

go us.

soccer all saturday morning for the kiddos.

yard work....mowing. clipping.trimming.dog-poo-picking-up. the usual.

an aaaaamazing trail run for myself with some nice elevation gain, lots of sunshine, little mud.

sunday was quiet with church, a nap, and a drive all the way to the tip top of a mountain where spring has not yet sprung.

so what made this weekend the best?

well.....

Robby has been gone the past two weeks. 

He's been in South Africa. 

WHAT?!! I know. 

Two weeks! Africa!!

In almost 10 years of marriage we have never been apart for that long. 

It was the WORST. 

I might have thought I was going to die, but I might also be dramatic.

The days were longer than normal, the nights stretched on forever. 

But somehow, I made it through. 

His return Friday was the best day of my life, and we have been inseparable since.

It was a good reminder that even the simplest of activities (even picking up dog poo) are more enjoyable when you are with your favorite people.

here are a few photos from our little sunday drive. 

we are currently going through 40 billion photos he took in Africa, and we will get those up soon.

and because I have been depriving you all of food these past few weeks, here is a salad I am curretnly obsessed with.

Spring Salad

-mixed greens of your choice

-roasted beets (sliced, tossed in olive oil, and roasted at 425° until fork tender)

-grilled asparagus (tossed in olive oil, salt and pepper, and grilled for a few minutes)

-toasted pecans

-crumbled goat cheese

this salad is a perfect lunch, we've also added grilled chicken (with a little olive oil, lemon juice, salt and pepper) and made a dinner out of it.

toss in a simple balsamic vinaigrette.....I don't usually measure ingredients when I'm making a dressing (sorry!), but this is a really easy combo of 

-balsamic vinegar 

-olive oil

-honey

-dijon mustard

all mixed together and tossed with salad

enjoy!

How was your weekend?

dear may

note: this is the most random assortment of photos....whoops

dear.........may?!! What?? Where did April go?

Dear May,

hello. Nice to see you again. You bring so many wonderful things.

(hopefully) something smallish from the garden.

spring in the mountains....more open trails!

maybe camping....please?

closer and closer to summer each day. 

yay, may.

Dear April,

WHAT HAPPENED? Where did the time go? I really don't remember. I'm sorry.

There was the boy's birthday, easter, moab.....you just passed too quickly.

Dear Our Giant Tree,

the last few weeks have been so fun watching you change.

bare. blossoms. full green leaves. thank you for your shade.

Dear Appendix (or as my girl calls it, "independex")

what was that all about? Seriously you are the WORST. I will not miss you.

Dear Tomatoes,

I should be able to get you in the ground this month.....hooray!! I look forward to hanging out.

Dear Trail Running (Addiction?),

you are all I think about! Must. have. more. trails.

Running this and this (please read the description of that last one.....thrilling!)

Who wants to join me?

Dear Camping,

when will you happen? I need some fresh mountainy air.......right now.

Dear S'mores,

I'll see you soon too (see above)

Dear Grilled Asparagus,

you are my favorite right now.

Dear Shadow Puppets,

you really are a good time for all.

even better when the animals "attack the world"

Dear 7 year old,

Every year I ask the same thing.....how?

I love you.

Your shaggy hair. Missing teeth. Curious mind.

Dear Attempt at a Lego Cake,

fail.

frosting marshmallows is maybe the most impossible thing,

ever.

But he loved it.....so oh well I guess.

Dear Charly,

you are THREE now!!

and you are actually turning out to be quite the dog.....

....until someone comes over and you tackle them and lick them to death.

Dear Future Guests,

watch out for our dog,

she is still crazy.

Dear Chocolate Pudding,

you really know how to cheer a girl up.

Chocolate and Coconut Pudding

serves 4

1/2 cup sugar 

2 TBS unsweetened cocoa powder 

2 TBS cornstarch 

1/8 tsp salt 

1 1/3 cups milk

2/3 cup coconut milk (small can is 2/3 cup. I'm pretty sure if you swapped out ALL the milk for coconut milk, it would be awesome, but I just had a small can.)

 2 egg yolks (slightly beaten) 

2 oz dark chocolate, finely chopped 

1/2 tsp pure vanilla extract 

Mix sugar, cocoa, cornstarch, and salt in a saucepan. Slowly mix in milk and coconut milk. Cook over medium heat (continue stirring), until mixture comes to boil. Boil for one minute (still stirring) Slowly stir half the mixture into the egg yolks, and then back into the saucepan on the stove. Boil for one minute. Remove from heat and add in chopped chocolate and vanilla extract. Pour into bowls and  cover (unless you are one of those people who like the "skin", cough, mom) and put pudding in the refrigerator for at least one hour. 

Top with toasted coconut and enjoy!

Dear YOU, 

what have you been up to? 

sincerely yours/love/until next time

me.

a funny(ish) and totally true story

so here I am, going about life as usual.....and the next thing I know I am being told 

that my appendix needs to come out. 

like, RIGHT NOW.

So out it went, just like that. 

(well, there was some kind of science involved, I'm sure)

So if you need me, I'll be lying around eating ice cream for the next few days 

(minus one appendix)

We will talk soon.

dear moab, I love you

miniature me+delicate arch

After the race, we packed up and headed to Arches National Park right outside of Moab, Utah.

Wow.

Why haven't we traveled down this way before? We have lived here for 6 years now, what's wrong with us?!! It's only a 4 hour drive ( I realize to some this may seem excruciating, but since most of our roadtrips are 8+ hours a 4 hour drive is a breeze!), and it's like no other place on earth. It's absolutely incredible, and we are already planning on heading back soon--there are more rocks to be climbed, more desert to explore, and more red dust to stain our skin. We have fallen in love.

The wind was so gusty I swear it was trying to take my children away from me, so we stuck to short walks down paths to see some sights (Park Avenue, Balanced Rock, Double Arch), and our only real hike for the day was out to Delicate Arch. The hike was only a little over 3 miles, and the boy and girl had so much fun exploring the smooth desert rocks on the way up. I am so glad we hiked up to this arch--we almost passed it up when the wind was yelling nasty things at us, but decided to go for it and hang on tight. As we came around the large boulders that hid the arch for most of the hike, it didn't matter how windy it was......because THIS, my friends, is a sight to see. I have seen it a thousand times in pictures, postcards, and it's even on Utah license plates--but to stand underneath it with the world dropping off behind you....it's quite a feeling.

We are anxious to get back and head deeper into the park, as well as Canyonlands and put some more footprints in the red earth.

On our drive home from Moab we took a detour and headed out to explore Goblin Valley. If you ever find yourself anywhere near this crazy place--GO! You will feel like you are on another planet (are you?) and there are more rocks than your Littles (and yourself, who are we kidding) could even dream of climbing. It's a giant rock playground for running, jumping, hiding and seeking, topped with piles of puffy white clouds.

the end.

alter ego

For those who come to The Blog here for pictures and food and cuteness and such, the following post is a race report for the Amasa Back Trail race in Moab, Utah. If running is not your thing (you should try it), or you just don't like reading about races (a favorite subject of mine to read about) then here is short and sweet version:

"Running in Moab is my new favorite thing."

for the rest of you, here we go.

Sometimes I take a look over my blog and I have to laugh. It looks so......quiet. calm.

Recipes and pictures of spring. It's me.....but only part of me. 

And it's 100% opposite of what I did last weekend.

The Amasa Back Trail Race.

I can't even begin to tell you how nervous I was. So nervous in fact that the night before the race I thought about, oh...you know....just not showing up. It would give our family some extra hours of exploring in Moab. I didn't need to race. I've always been a nervous racer but this was different. 

-I haven't raced in almost a year. 

-My lyme hit me hard last fall and I had to start my running over from scratch which has been not only difficult, but FRUSTRATING! (I'm yelling there). 

-And even though the course was only 9.5 miles, I knew it was going to be the most difficult 9.5 miles I'd ever ran. "Extremely challenging" and "very technical" were thrown around a lot in the descriptions of this race.

So yeah....I was nervous.

But I somehow managed to pull myself out of bed (with absolutely no sleep of course) Saturday morning, force some bagel and peanut butter down my throat, and head to the starting line with my little  cheerleaders in tow. 

The race was friendly and small.

There were 80ish people (for the 6.5 and the 9.5 race combined) gathered around the start on a dirt road, right next to the Colorado River with giant rock towers over our heads. 

Small talk about weather and nerves and "where are you from" and soon we were

3

2

1

GO!

I have always had a bad habit of starting way too fast when I'm nervous, so I held back and sunk in to my 7:30 comfort zone for the first mile-ish down the road. I took a few minutes to take it all in.

This....was....AWSOME! I was doing it! I was so happy I didn't hide out under the covers that morning.

(note the rock in the background. that was the type of terrain I was on most of the race!)

Somewhere around a mile the group had thinned out and we headed off the road on to a..........trail...? Broken pieces of slickrock and piles of sand down down down. Jumping, leaping, whatever worked best to get down. WooooooHooooooooooo! 

This is why I signed up.

And then, just like that, we were climbing. The sun had come up and was beating down as we made our way up the orange and red rock. 

From a distance I heard something.....almost like an echo....oh wait, 

it WAS an echo. 

I heard my name. It was my family! My little cheering section--they were waaaaaaaaaaaaay across a giant gorge--tiny little bodies on a giant cliff, waving and yelling for ME. 

I rounded the corner of of sight from them, and their echos continued on as I made my way up the rocky mountain.

(does this photo looks like a Bigfoot sighting or what?) 

For those who have never ran on the trails (what are you waiting for?!) let me tell you this: It is as much of a brain workout as it is a total body workout. Yes you are working 

every.

single.

muscle. 

in your body as you twist and turn your way down the trail. 

But it really took my brain a few miles into this course to really get comfortable and just relax as it figured out the best way for ME to make it though the course. Looking ahead on the trail....but not too far ahead. Glancing up every now and then to look for course markers and easier paths that lead up, down, and over obstacles.

I was really feeling good around the 4-5 mile mark. 

So good in fact that in my blissful state of pure complete happiness and content, I followed the runners in front of me right onto the 6.5 mile turn off.

WHOOOOOOPS.

A couple minutes on that trail and I realized my mistake.

Oh dear. 

At least let's pretend that was my thought.

I turned around as fast as I could and booked it (well, as much as you can "book it" when you're headed up more hill) to make up for lost time.

The next few miles of the race kind of blur together in my brain (it was working hard, remember). 

All I do remember is that they were absolutely wonderful miles (ok wonderful, mixed with steep). This is the first race EVER that there hasn't been a section of it that I absolutely hated. Even races I love in the end, there are always parts where I wonder why I'm out running and not at home in bed, or baking cookies, or just doing anything that isn't running. If you are a runner, I know you have felt this way in a race before....right? It's hard! Yet we always come back for more. 

I kept waiting to hate something about this race, and it never came. I specifically remember a steep downhill right on the rock. No trail really--just running down down down this massive piece of earth. I was moving fast. Small quick steps over the smooth surface. Faster, faster. There was a physical feeling of happiness with each step I took and as I connected with the ground below. 

Just me, this rock, and no distractions. 

I love this.

I felt so comfortable, so happy, and at the risk of sounding 110% ridiculously cheesy.....felt so alive. 

I mean.....I was flailing down the side of a towering orange mountain made of solid rock ....you really can't get much more alive than that.

More ups and downs over the slickrock. Watching the miles tick away on my watch and not wanting the race to end......slow down! It was all going by too fast. The final descent was a teeny little trail right on the edge of a massive cliff with the mighty river below. Had I not been so high on life at the moment, I might have been a little bit nervous about how far above the ground I was. Switchbacks down down down. Over more broken rock making my way to the bottom. I could see the finish. 

Hear the cheers. 

Across a barely-there creek and I was done.

And ready for more.

Notes: 

time: 1 hr 42 minutes for 9.9 miles.....haha next time I'll pay better attention to the course so I don't run .4 extra miles.

place: 3rd overall of women. yay for small races!
elevation: 1841 ft gain

thankful I:  ran/jumped stadium stairs a few times before this race! There was SOOOO much jumping involved, and the smooth trails I run on didn't really prep me for that. 

favorite part: every moment of running on the rock. This was a first for me and I can't wait to get back and do it some more.

still aching: my calves. I don't actually have calf muscles in my chicken legs, so let's hope maybe they grew a bit after this race. 

wish I would have: drank more. My legs cramped up in the last mile--I know it's because I hardly drank anything. I have always liked my fuel belt but this terrain was too bumpy to get the bottle in and out easily, so I just didn't (smart, I know). Anyone have a recommendation for a favorite hydration product?

special thanks to: my own personal race photographer. my own personal cheering squad. 

myself for not chickening out.

the bottom line: I really, really, really really loved this race. 

Anyone have races coming up? What are you running? 

I can't wait to get out and do it all over again.

edited to add: lots of running questions coming up here. Check out these two posts
Running 101
Running 201
I've changed alot about my running since I wrote these posts-I mostly run trails now, don't listen to alot of music, etc....but the basics are all there. And be sure to read all the comments--lots of helpful tips!


more moab on the blog tomorrow!

oh whoops, I forgot to blog

me. arches national park.

It's been busy, let me tell you.
Last week was nothing much, but the weekend........wow.

It involved a race. maybe my favorite ever.
jumping over rocks and cracks that fell to the center of the earth.
and then hiking across the slick rock of the desert with my family.
climbing up and over boulders.
red sand in our shoes up to our noses.

I'll be back to business as usual......shortly.

how we weekend

This weekend was made of up everything a weekend should be made of. 

sleeping in

sunshine

a perfect trail run through the stickiest of mud

firing up the grill

staying out until sunset

bike riding

skate boarding

(both resulting in skinned knees)

staying up too late

adorable Littles dressed up for church

an Easter feast!

egg hunting

chocolate cake

kite flying over snow melting on mountains...

this weekend just made me so very excited for summer to get here so we can have weekends like this every week. over and over again.

I think my favorite thing about this picture of my and my girl, is that under our easter-eggy sunday best we both have the grossest bruised and bloody legs.....we play a little hard around here.

and.....last but not least....The Cake. 

As of Saturday night I still wasn't sure what I was going to make for dessert. I knew I wanted to make a cake of some kind, so I just started making chocolate cake and let it figure itself out from there. 

I wanted to keep it simple, so I opted for one layer, and ended up just doing simple chocolate whip cream to top it. very easy.

Chocolate Cloud Cake
named by The Children
this cake could easily be made into two layers, but I poured the batter into one 9" round pan, and then had enough batter left over for four cupcakes.

Chocolate Cake

2 ounces semisweet chocolate

3/4 cup unsweetened cocoa powder

3/4 cup boiling water

6 TBS butter, melted

1 1/2 cups sugar

2 large eggs

1 cup buttermilk

1/2 cup sour cream

2tsp vanilla

1 1/4 cups cake flour

1 teaspoon baking soda

1/2 teaspoon baking powder

1/2 teaspoon salt

Preheat oven to 350°F.

Line bottom of one 9" pan with a round of parchment paper. Butter paper, and sides of pan.

Finely chop chocolate and in a bowl combine with boiling water and cocoa powder. Let mixture stand, stirring occasionally, until chocolate is melted and mixture is smooth.

In a bowl add flour, baking soda, baking powder, and salt. In another large bowl with an electric mixer beat butter and sugar until combined. Add eggs (adding one at a time) until thickened slightly and light colored (about 3 minutes). Slowly add buttermilk, sour cream, vanilla, and melted chocolate mixture, beating until combined well. Add flour mixture and beat on medium speed until just combined.

Spoon batter into pan, Fill about 3/4 full.

Pour remaining batter into cupcake liners.

Bake cake until toothpick inserted in center comes out clean, 25-28 minutes. 

Cupcakes should be done in about 13-15 minutes.

Let cake cool for about 5 minutes and then remove from pan onto cooling rack and let cool completely before frosting. 

Chocolate Whipped Cream

this is easy to play around with and you can add more cocoa/sugar depending on how sweet/chocolaty you want it.

2 cups whipping cream

1/2 cup powder sugar

1/4 + a few TBS unsweetened baking cocoa

1/2 tsp pure vanilla extract

Beat with electric mixer for a few minutes until you reach a thick whip-creamy consistency 

Spoon onto cake. 

Dust with cocoa powder.

If you want to add a few chocolate pieces for decoration (and eating of course) melt down some good semi-sweet chocolate and spread it thinly onto a piece of parchment paper. Pop it into the freezer for a few minutes until it has set back up. Break it in to pieces and VWALLA!! fancy cake topper.

enjoy!

How was your weekend?