Monday, November 5, 2012

my two

best of friends (....most of the time....)
I have deleted this post about 37 times 
(give or take a few).

I have tried to post about other things today......and each time I've failed.
These words just keep coming back to me, and I can't seem to shake them.
It's annoying.
You see, I hadn't planned talking much about this--not because I "can't bare too", or because it's "too personal"....just because.....I never thought about sharing it. That's all.
It's not the usual mountain adventure or winter soup recipe.
But I feel like I should.....for some strange reason that won't get off my back. Maybe there is one person out there that needs to hear it? I don't know, but here we go.

Five weeks ago I found out I had miscarried.
(whoa, didn't even give you time to warm up. bam.)
I was 10 weeks pregnant and went in for my first checkup. I was so ridiculously nervous, and I had no idea why. I had been this way the entire pregnancy--worrying, doubting, lips sealed with a secret, and afraid to make any future plans.
Nothing was wrong, nothing had happened--no signs. Just a feeling.
I wanted so badly for Robby to be at that first appointment, but he was home with the kids.
 It was just me and the Dr. in the ultrasound room, 
and as soon as I saw his face, I knew. 
I didn't even have to look at the screen.

It was weird.

Try as I might, there is no other word to describe that very moment, or the next few days of sadness, a quick surgery, more tears, and laying low to let my body and mind accept what had happened.


A blur of numbness and tears and wondering.
and craaaazzzzzy hormonal emotions.
and lots and lots of brownies.


Why? We had be waiting for so long.

SO. Long.

This mother is not getting any younger, 
and my "baby" is only getting older and older and bigger and older.  (stop!)


I tried to tell myself that it happens all the time. Maybe YOU'VE been through it? I know people who've had this happen, and they have survived. But then it happened to ME, and it's all the sudden so different. Had you turned me upside down and shook me, you'd have seen every emotion fall out on to the ground. I was a mess of ups and downs.

Flash forward to today.

My kids have never been so loved. Ever.
They have never been squeezed and kissed and snuggled so much in their lives. I have never appreciated them and what they add to our lives, the way I do today. I am realizing more each day what blessings they truly are to my life. 
How lucky am I?!

These past few years of wanting a baby and not having one has been draining. It is exhausting on a mind to want something so badly (something that EVERYONE else seems to have), and not being able to have it. It's even harder when people can't resist stupid comments--

"your kids really need more siblings."
"are you done? you're having more right?"
"oh only two? that's easy."

Those comments started to weigh me down. I felt sorry and judged. I would catch myself almost apologetic for "only" having two. Like my two weren't enough.

Until now. Today. My two are more than enough. More than I could have asked for. There is no right number of children for my family to have. I am no better or worse than the mother with 0 or 4 or 9 or 28 children. My two deserve all of my love at every moment of every day--whether it's just the two of them, or whether we decide to add 12 more. And THAT part is none of your business, and if you dare to ask me, I will kindly put you in your place, thank you.

I don't know if this was the lesson I was supposed to learn through all of this, but I am thankful that I have learned so much. 
Thankful for my two.
What are you thankful for today?


Bri {collected} said...

I'm so sorry Sheena! I had a miscarriage before I had Rilo. Still one of the most emotional things I've dealt with.

Your kids are the cutest and you are such an inspiring Mom!

in dreams said...

oh sheena, this is such a tough thing to go through - i send you so much love!

thank you for talking about this judgement, too, as i'm sure you're not the only one who has been on the receiving end of subtly-barbed comments regarding this matter. not only are your children 'enough', but who you are is 'enough', regardless of what others may think + say.

your children are lovely, and you are a wonderful mother. and that is really all that matters, isn't it? :)


The Webbs said...

I am so sorry Sheena. That must be so hard. Your two little ones are perfect in every way possible.

Ill lend a hand to help you slap some sense into people you've gotten/will get comments from. People are SO rude and things are so hard.

nicole said...

i am grateful for my two, too.
peace be with you in these days, moments and weeks to come.

camandholls said...

Sheena, I am so sorry you had to go through that. It’s something I wish no one ever had to experience. I am thankful for my two, but I am also thankful for the trials it took to get them here. During a trial it really seems like the end of the world. But, looking back, I am so grateful for it all. Through our struggle with infertility every aspect of my testimony was strengthened. I know I had a testimony before but when I think of my testimony now, the majority of it comes from that trial. I am grateful for who I am today because of trials I’ve endured. Heavenly Father knows us best and knows what we have to go through to become what he wants us to become. Unfortunately, it’s not always easy. This is a quote from an article in the ensign that I love, “What I would have planned for our life would pale in comparison to what God has given us. What He has in mind for His children is better than anything we could ever design.” Reading that made me realize that I needed to just have faith and trust in his plan for me. Hang in there Sheena and I’m sorry about the idiots that don’t think before they speak. Some people just don’t get it. You are an amazing mom, your kiddos are so lucky to have you. Love ya!

Rachelle said...

Oh friend, I'm so sorry. I really am. I had two miscarriages before Daphne and the second one about did me in. All the while I was hearing comments from other people about why we didn't have kids. It was really hard. I did the same as you, I put them in their place. And you are right, there isn't a perfect number of children for any family, it's only what works for you. I do love you!! And hope you are blessed with one more tiny babe. You deserve it. You are such a good mom!!

Sara C. Walk said...

Sheena you are truly amazing! Your truthfulness, love and compassion on your blog are so inspiring. Thank you for all that you have shared. I am so so sorry for what you have been going through:( I know we have only met once for a second but from knowing you via internet you are such a strong person an amazing mom and have one beautiful family!

I am so thankful for my family :) Today and every day! All family no matter what size is the best blessing.

p.s that last picture melts my heart!

Linnea Paulina said...

Thinking of you Sheena and sending love your way. Someday, I hope to be as loving of a mother as you are... fun, cooking great food for her kids, going on adventures...

You are amazing.

Laura_ve said...

I'm not a mother yet, so probably I cannot really understand what you felt. But I'm sorry for what happened. It happened three days ago to a girl I know, just married and it was her first pregnancy. This is something that scares me a lot. But here in the Old Continent two kids are the normalcy, it is kind of funny that the question would be "another one? Are you serious? Was it on purpose or an accident?" so judgment is the same whererever you are. I grew up with one sister, and we grew up really nice. So I don't think that your kids will suffer, should they have "only" one sibling.
Maybe it's because I'm writing in a language that is not my own, maybe the subject is controversial, because other people always feel entitled to judge you for your utherus. Anyway, what I can say is that I'm sending you a huge hug from Italy. :) From what I read in your blog, your kids are really loved, and it shows in their faces and their smiles (and their tantrums, probably, but one usually doesn't have a camera around in those times, thank Heavens that my mother didn't take pictures of us then, it would have served for blackmail!).
So, hugs and lots of love,

summer said...

dearest Sheena, I'm so so sorry. It makes me so sad to think of your heartache and the burden you are bearing. I'll be praying for you and your family! bless your drained heart and mind for writing this down and pressing "post"- thank you. thank you. you are the bravest. I hope this will be a healing kind of day for you and that the comments will be encouraging and comforting. love you!

Kris and Corissa said...

Isn't it funny how we always want for more when we should be grateful for what we have? My husband and I don't have kids and I must say, whenever I read your blog I'm always so jealous of the two cute adorable kids you have. We recently filed for adoption but before people knew that, we were faced with stupid comments as well. They do start to weigh you down but you are totally right about realizing how lucky you are now! I noticed that once I finally accepted our situation, life was so much easier to deal with. I have been blessed in so many other areas of my life. It's not always easy to keep that in mind but when I do, life is happier. Thanks for sharing this today. I know it's hard to put yourself out there but I appreciate being real and honest. I wish you and your family all the best!!

the greers said...

Very sorry for you and your sweet family. Other's judgements and words can cause you to feel so inadequate, but know this, you are the best wife and mom to your family. Your transparency and honesty is so admirable. You are a true inspiration to everyone that stumbles upon your blog, or gets to meet you I am sure. Your two are precious, love this blog. Thank you for sharing your life with us.

Ashley said...

Sheena. I am incredibly sorry to hear of this news. But, I so admire your new outlook. It takes a lot to turn such an emotional event into something positive. Your TWO kids are so very lucky! I can't stand to think people pass judgement that you or your kids need anything more than what you/they already have. I'm not a mother yet, but you have inspired me in so many ways about how I would like to raise any kid(s) we may have. Thank you! Keeping you in my thoughts.

Nessa Bixler said...

Praying for your beautiful heart to mend. I am sure your words are a blessing to others, and I hope the words left for you will be a blessing to you.

kate said...

Oh my Sheena, I'm so sorry for your loss. Your two are so sweet, keep squishing them extra. And if you need anyone to take care of those stupid commenters... we can do it.

Laura said...

You are right. Those are a beautiful two. Don't let nobody tell you you're anything less than amazing. Sorry for the emotional stress. :( Hugs. Love. Chocolate.

RoxyRo said...

So sorry for you Sheena, but at the same time so inspired by you. tough things happen in life and I admire your effort to cheer up anyway. Your kids are lucky to have you as their mum!

Kimmie said...

I can relate...I as well have miscarried (at 12 week, it was "blyted ovum) My oldest was 6 when that happened. I had really bad Toxemia with my last boy and got put on bed rest and my blood pressure got so bad (228/123...which is stroke and heart attack level) and so my sweet boy was delivered at 31 weeks by Caesarean section. He only weighed 3 pounds, but I feel SO lucky that he didn't have any complications that most preemie babies do. SO, my boys are 8 years apart. After my last son was born, it took 6 months for my blood pressure to return to normal, which is scary, because people that get high blood pressure at a young age and have to go on meds to control it, end up having severe health problems in their late 40's and early 50's. SO, after much debate, my husband and I decided we were THRILLED with the 2 wonderful boys that we have been blessed with and didn't want to put my health at risk with another pregnancy. (We've had people say the same things to us like..."only two kids"?, "are you going to have more?", etc... I just hold my head high and try not to let it bother me.

I mean, there are couples that would love to have one baby and can't seem to get pregnant and we have TWO, wonderful, healthy and happy kids! I feel SO grateful each day for what I DO HAVE in my life! You have the cutest kids EVER Sheena and I love how much you inspire the rest of us to be better mothers!! You're awesome and I wish you peace at this trying time in your life. Thanks for always being positive, even in the toughest of situations! You're amazing!! (OH and your photos of your two kids are priceless)

April S. said...

I am so sorry about your miscarriage - I know others who have been through it and others who lost a baby at birth or within a few days - it can be devastating and I can't imagine. We both come from big families and we get that a lot about our 2 kids. Honestly, they are perfect and I always thought we'd have more until the 2nd came along and they are the perfect pair. Their friendship and love for each other just can't be matched and I no longer have that longing that I used to in my heart. When I see your kids I see that bond and love too. I have learned through the losses of my friends that it always seems that there is an unknown plan for their future turns out to be so different and the lives they touch through their loss is amazing. Believe there is a reason you were so compelled to post this and that the plan will be revealed to you in God's time.

Kassidi Bridge said...

I too, am thankful for my two.

Clandestine Road said...

I want to say something comforting, but all I can think of is that I am so sad this happened to you and your family. It sounds so hollow, but it it is sincere. I am thinking of you.


Erin said...

Oh Sheena, I wish I would have seen this before I emailed you back. I KNOW, my dear, I KNOW. I was talking to my cousin yesterday who also recently miscarried and all we could come up with is, it's like the tide--coming and going, but eventually receding. Love hugs and chocolate thoughts your way.

Anneliese said...

thank you for writing this. you put into words my very emotions. i struggle with feeling judged for only having one baby--we would love more--god just hasn't given them to us yet. people don't know how much it hurts when they carelessly comment on how we need more kids. i'll be praying for your healing! you are a good mother.

Hays said...

yep you are truly a blessed beautiful mother to two amazingly awesome kids. and you have a kick-a husband!

really, how did we all get so lucky??

i'm so sorry about your ache. i can't imagine how frustrated and hurt you have felt and are feeling.

thanks for sharing. i think i'll have a brownie.

Kate said...

Thank you for sharing! I really do not appreciate it when other mothers (with lots of kids) make me feel like less if a mom because I only have two. Whether you have two, one, pregnant for the first time, four, or ten, at any given moment in the day, you are giving it your 100,000% love, and especially energy and that IS mom enough, and it's hard.

Meg said...

I am sill learning from my miscarriages. I loved the crap out of my children after my last loss. They could have asked me for a pony and I probably would have stolen one if it meant getting it for them faster. I wanted them to feel loved more, cherished more, and know that I am SO happy to be their mother. I felt sad and frustrated and every other emotion a mother can feel, and honestly I have a new respect and appreciation and gratitude for the gift of motherhood. After getting tired of the weird things people say to you after you lose a baby (really, people, just say nothing, it's ok to do that. Don't tell me it was for the better or diagnose the "problem" or promise me another baby. Just say nothing.) I see why women are so secretive and hush hush about having miscarriages. It hurts to talk about, but there is so much that NEEDS to be said, and I think that talking about it will help educate others about this. Women who are going through it can be lifted up and strengthened, and people who have never experienced it will be educated so they won't say or think weird and stupid things to the women going through it. Talking about it is winning.

And who doesn't need the extra reminders to hug their babies more and not judge women for their family size. Great post. Rooting for you always.

Tara said...

I've been thinking about you a lot. I love how you said if we shook you upside down we'd see every emotion fall onto the ground. I bet! I hate that you've had to deal with people asking about more kids. Every single time I hear people ask someone a question like that, I want to snap something nasty at them. Duh, people! We have some other friends who just had a failed in vitro (still paying off the $12,000 with no baby to show for it) and they get asked all the time when they're going to start having kids. Ugh. So yes, do put people in their place! I would pay money to hear you tell someone flat out that's none of their business. :)
Anyway, love you and your two. As you know, your kids are some of my favorite in the world. You guys are an awesome family and I know that whatever Heavenly Father has in store for you, you will make it beautiful. Love ya! Tara

Kasey said...

What a wonderful post, Sheena! As a mother of zero and aunt to many, I hear you on the awkward questions, suggestions and judgments. NO one could ever know or understand one's desires, struggles or challenges related to having children (nor should they have a right to). You are such an amazing example of motherhood. I'd give you a big, fat hug if I could!

Kelli Jane said...

I'm so sorry Sheena! I had a miscarriage last year and I was devastated. All of my closest friends have a lot of kids and in the community we hang out with there are also lots of big families...and I have felt insecure/judged about our family size in the past (we'd love to have a big family). Your perspective on your 2 children you do have is awesome though and so very true! I will keep you in my prayers and thank you for sharing....the internet can be an amazing place of support!! You're an awesome mom and God always brings good from the hard things in life!!

Linz said...

So sorry Sheena. I SO believe in my heart and soul that there are reasons for things like this to happen and it is ALL for the better. Hang in there, baby will come! xo

abby said...

I'm so sorry. We are in such a similar boat. I have a boy and a girl close together and then a huge unintentional gap and then finally a pregnancy last summer and then a miscarriage at 12 weeks. And that whole pregnancy I remember feeling off, like I couldn't quite connect to it. And I unfortunately brought my whole family to that first ultrasound. So awful. But I know what you mean about appreciating your kids even more. There is always something to be grateful for. Wishing you lots of peace and good things.

Ang said...

oh Sheena, i cannot imagine how you felt in that ultrasound sad for you and how you had to face it without Robby by your side, but proud of you for being brave enough to hit that publish button! sending prayers your way - enjoy your beautiful family as you love on them!

Rachael said...

Wow, you're pretty brave to tell us this on your blog! I'm so sorry that you had to go through that. And still going through it now.
But you do have two great kids, and they have a special awesome Mom.

hanna colleen anderson said...

I wish I had words of advice or a little comfort, but seeing as I am just a sixteen year old with no wise wisdom, i just wanted to tell you i am sorry. if it makes you feel any better, you're the most beautiful woman i have seen. inside and out. your kids are lucky to have you.

Melissa said...

So so sorry you had to go through a miscarriage... I can't imagine the emotions you are going through.. But it seems like although you have your lows you are still very strong. I admire that!
And seriously, you should totally put those rude people in their place... It's nobody's business how many children someone decides to have, wherever its zero or 20! I know some people who have chosen not to have any children and have been bullied about it..
I have two of my own.. The youngest is 10 months old.. And right now it's more than I can handle and ALREADY I get asked if I'll be having another... Wha??
You are obviously doing a tremendous job because your two little ones look healthy & very happy and that's what is most important... Quality over quantity! :)

Hope your blog post was a sort of "closure" for your emotions. I imagine it felt good to open up about it.

Meg said...

Sheena - I'm so sorry that you are going through this! Miscarriage is so hard. It's hard for anyone but I think it's especially hard when having another baby is something that you've waited and longed for for so long. We've been going through that too, after waiting forever (it seems like) and then I had an ectopic two months ago. It doesn't make any sense. What was the point of that? I too am hugging my boy tighter and feeling way more gratitude for the chance to be his mother.

I'm sorry Sheena. Take care of yourself. I'm sorry that you had to be there by yourself. That makes me so sad. I know that you don't know me in person but sheesh... I would come watch you kids ANYTIME!!! So that your husband could be with you for an appointment. Seriously. Maybe we need to meet...

Allie Finch said...

Your raw honesty is touching. I can't imagine people passing judgement on what your family is or might have or should be. The way you raise your children inspires me. I can honestly say I've never really had the desire to be a mother until reading the stories and little adventures you share here. You make me homesick too. Your sweet family is in my thoughts.

emily o. said...

I know how hard the waiting can be. Thanks for sharing with all of us. So sorry for your loss, blessings to your little family!

D-dawg said...

Sheena I'm so sorry. It's a rough thing to go though and doesn't seem fair. I really hope you get another baby someday. In the meantime being thankful is the only way to survive it so good job so far! Your little two are so cute. Lots of love to you.

Dana Treat said...

Sheena, I don't comment often but I do love your site. I'm very sorry to hear about the miscarriage but also to hear that you have been wanting and trying for a long time. I am just about the only woman I know who hasn't had a miscarriage but knowing it is common doesn't make it any easier. You have many many years in which to still get pregnant and yes, you have two beautiful children. Still, I am very sorry for your pain. Hugs to you.

Jackie Norris said...

I'm so sorry, Sheena. Pregnancy loss can be so isolating and confusing. I, too, have suffered pregnancy loss and it was one of the most difficult things I've had to deal with. Being a photographer I wanted to do something with it... I started a infertility and pregnancy loss project that has been ongoing for the last year or so. Feel free to head over to my blog to check it out: (I don't mean to be one of those annoying people who leaves a link to themselves, but just thought you might be interested.)

Debbie said...

I am so sorry Sheena. I understand every one of those feelings. I think we've talked about it before. It's so painful when someone asks me why we don't have more than just 1. I don't think they understand how painful it is to have to answer that every day. Or how painful it is when you want more and can't have them, or when your daughter sits under the table and cries because she doesn't have a sibling. BUT, I thank Heavenly Father every day for her. He knows what is best for us. Maybe someday I will understand why it is so easy for some and not for others. Until then, I will give her all the hugs, kisses, and love I can. She is enough.

If you need to talk about it, I'm here. :) said...

Oh Sheena, I am so sorry to hear about your miscarriage.
I am a very frequent reader of your site, although I only rarely comment, I love your true love of your family and the celebration of the happiness they bring you, that you bring each other.
I come from a family of only two. My Mum had enough love for a whole brood of children, but two was what she had, and we are so loved. My best friend at the moment is going through egg harvesting and IVF planning and she is only 25. She has been told that she will have gone through menopause in about 2 years. My heart bleeds for her that she may never know the pleasure of being a mother, because I know she would be a great one.
I am so sorry to hear about your family's loss but so encouraged by the love and appreciation you have for the blessings you already have.
Take care.

Jen said...

it breaks my heart to hear about your miscarriage. i can't imagine.

i did want to say i admire your ability to love your kids all the more, surely that is a perspective that delights God.

Anna Scandinavian Cottage said...

I'm so sorry for your loss Sheena.
A Big hug from me.

It Started With a Wink said...

I had a miscarriage a month ago, I probably shouldn't post it on the web since this isn't common knowledge to my entire family but it has made me love and appreciate the one I have and pretty much die over how grateful I am for him everyday. Loving your blog more every time I read it!

little moments said...

what a beautiful post. I'm so sorry for your loss. When I had a misscarriage I was shocked to learn how many women around me had gone through the same, I guess its still a silent sorrow.

Shawna S said...

So, so sorry.

Lindsey said...

Sheena, I'm so sorry. I can relate to so much of what you wrote. Especially the hurtful comments, often unintentional, but hurtful never the same. You have been a momma I have admired for a long time and I think you are amazing!

tanalicious said...

boo.. that is super crappy. and you are super amazing. and your kids are super cute.

thinking of you.

(im good with words)


shell said...

Hi, I just discovered your site and am so sorry for your loss. I lost a baby at 21 weeks and then went through years of infertility before having our miracle baby. Despite wanting many more, we won't be having another, at least not one biologically mine. But I will tell you that there is no other little boy on earth more loved than my son. The loss is terrible, but the perspective it brings on your blessings is so amazing. I wish you strength as your heart heals. I've found that hugging my little one helps immensely with that!

shessuchariot said...

I know that it was beyond hard to post a blog with a topic such as this, but I am so thankful that you did. It seems like menopause almost, miscarriage is something that is swept under the table and unspoken of.

Reading this post, brought tears to my eyes remembering the life being sucked out of me while I was told I was no longer pregnant. It was a strange day as I had just come home from the doctors who confirmed that I was almost 2 months pregnant. Words couldn't express my happiness and within minutes I began heavily bleeding. I went to the hospital right after to find out that the same very day I was pregnant, that I lost the baby that growing inside of me. It felt like the biggest slap in the face, only to be comforted by the "well you weren't that far along at least" speal that everyone offered.

A few months later, unintentionally, I became pregnant again. I didn't keep my hopes up and worried the whole time, but was blessed 9 months later with a beautiful child. There's days in which it's hard to be a mother, when you're angry and stress grab you by the choke hold. For those of us who have been blessed with children before and after our miscarriages, we must always remember to be thankful for the children that we were blessed with.

My regards to yourself and your family. You have such a beautiful bunch!

melissa said...

I had two miscarriages between my daughter and son. It was tough and my heart goes out to you. I always thought I would have more than 2 kids but going through that was very humbling and a little voice in my head got louder and louder "quit while you are ahead".

Ashley said...

Sheena you are an amazing mother! I love the inspiration I get every time I read your blog. Your posts are filled with love for you children, your husband and life. You have so many blessings!

I can relate to how you are feeling. I've struggled getting pregnant. I have a sweet 4 year old boy. I'm so lucky to have him. The thing that helped me most was becoming okay with the idea of having one child. Also praying for the Lords will for me rather than my own brought me so much peace. I knew The Lord had a plan for me.

After feeling this peace and deciding not to go to the doctor anymore my husband and I got news we are expecting. It has been a long journey but I am grateful for the things I've learned through this trial. A family is a family no matter how big or small.

You will be in my thoughts and prayers. Thanks for writing your blog!

kami said...

I'm so sorry, but I'm so glad you shared. I've never miscarried, but I do have other really personal trials in my life. It's hard to talk about the hard things, but it's only through talking about the hard things that we find support and are unknowingly a strength to others around us. I'm so sorry you've struggled - you are most definitely in my thoughts. I love how you are cherishing your children. That is a lesson ALL of us need to learn because we are so lucky to have any amount of children we are blessed with. Thank you for sharing and for allowing us into your pain. It is also so good to be aware of the emotions that a woman goes through when she miscarries because it makes me more able to be empathetic and know what kinds of things are hurtful to say, even when I may not mean them to be so. Sending hugs your way!