The Beginning of the End of a Chapter

2018, smokey sunset summits.

Let's talk about time. Not the small moments that continually pass and tangle me up in nostalgia, such as summers winding down, kids growing too fast, and the teeniest of wrinkles creeping their way in to the sides of my eyes (I swear they weren't there yesterday). I want to talk about hefty chunks of time in our lives that feel more like chapters ending as we continue to press on and write our life stories.

Ten years ago this month I sat in an emergency room after being scanned, poked, prodded, and all but turned upside down and shook 'till my tears drained out. I watched as a young doctor frantically scribbled notes, and though his handwriting was upside-down to me and notoriously bad, it was still clear enough to read: MS? Maybe the question mark meant he was hopeful that it wasn't; but as I sat on a cold bed with an open back extra-large hospital gown, I felt anything but hopeful.

2008, MRI fashion.

Now before you think you've been duped into never hearing that I had Multiple Sclerosis, don't worry because I don't have it--I never did. Go back to August 2008, and I continued on with more testing, more doctors, and when no one could figure out what was going on, they needed a box to put me in. The MS box was the closest they could find, so they shoved me in tight with their doctors' stamp of approval and sent me off for weekly steroid infusions and daily self-injections of a medication that maybe would have helped me feel better, had I actually had MS. But since I did not have MS, I continued to be sick. I was achy, exhausted,  and tipped the scale at barely a hundred pounds, but the whole time I knew I didn't have what they told me I had. They were wrong. It wasn't even that I refused to believe it ( I mean, I was only twenty five with a toddler and baby to care for, so I wanted it to NOT be true), but it just didn't sit right with me.

I had a feeling.

After months of questioning and doctor hopping and spending way too much time on the Internet, I had lab work in my hand and found my answer. Lyme disease.

Now we could go on and on--many of you know my story, some of you read it along here in real time when we all blogged back in the day. It's a story that could take up pages on it's own, but for now it's not the main character in this story. Back in August 2008, and the four years that followed of travel and treatments and questions and answers, it was the beginning of this chapter.

*          *          *          *          *

I had always planned on going back to school. I was twenty years old in college and found myself spinning my wheels on what I wanted to BE when one day I became an adult. I mean, even though I was far from adult-ish, I was married, owned a car and a condo, and had job at the local college-town record store, so really how could life get any better? I took classes like zoology, geology, and floral arrangement....and while they were all fun, I just couldn't commit to a major. So I finished a degree in General Studies, and vowed to one day go back to school.

*          *          *          *          *

2010, a day in the life.

2010, PICC line round two.

The whole Lyme hiccup took four years to get through. When I say "get through", I mean to say I've been symptom free since 2012 (can I get an AMEN!). The Lyme still likely lingers deep in the shadows of my body, but next time it comes we will be ready (well maybe not ready, but at least educated), and for now it's just a memory and a little piece of what's made me, ME. In that time I bounced from doctor to doctor, state to state, nurse to nurse, treatment to treatment. I had a PICC line (once for a month, once for three months), and remember sitting with my nurse for my twice weekly dressing change. She cleaned my arm and prepped it for the new dressing. She would scratch and scratch and scratch with the disinfecting oversized q-tip, and that right there was my favorite care that I received throughout the four year process. I remember chatting with her thinking, I want to do THIS. (Ok maybe not sit and scratch people's arms), but I want to HELP. I needed to help--this was for me.

I had a feeling.

2012, "I beat Lyme, and so can you" outside my doctor's office in California. I looked at that message for two years before I sat and posed for a picture because it was finally true for me.

*          *          *          *          *

 January 2014, first day back to school

Most of you know, that after going back to school in 2014, I graduated last year as a registered nurse, and have been working two nights a week in a step-down ICU. I have also been slowly chipping away at my Bachelor's Degree in Nursing, and started up classes again last week--on schedule to finish this December. I used to enthusiastically pack my pens and planner and pose for a back to school picture like an eager elementary student. Last week I put off even looking at my classes until the day the first round of assignments were due, and then I couldn't remember my password when I went to log in. I am burned out on the papers, discussions, and due dates that constantly hang over my head.

However, I was out on the trail last week, thoughts collecting and sorting themselves like they do when my feet are in the dirt, and all these words you are reading came flooding in.  I realized, what is four more months of school, when I've been writing this chapter for ten years?! (And while we are pondering, HOW AM I OLD ENOUGH to have chapters that started ten years ago?!)

Ten years ago when I sat in that hospital gown and read those upside-down letters that the doctor couldn't even say "we will refer you out to a neurologist" he said unsteadily; I had no idea that was the beginning of a chapter that would pave a path into my life I NEVER even in a million years saw coming.

So am I living the dream working nights as a nurse? Am I saving lives--jamming my hand in gunshot wounds to stop bleeding,  and restarting hearts? I'm not. My nights consist of running from room to room of sickly patients who for the most part don't really care that I am there. In the first few months I felt panicky--had I made the right choice? Was all the work worth it? As I'm settling in, and finishing up this chapter, I can see the pages of the next one start to form. As I meet people and come across opportunities, and as I finish these last few months of school, I know that my next chapter will bring with it more surprises and more pathways to follow.

I just have a feeling.

August 2018, us just being us.

 

 the end. but really the beginning.

For more of my story, you can read old posts HERE

life with lyme, part 1

"I beat lyme & so can you!"

2010. An inspiring note graffitied on the wall outside my Dr.'s office in San Francisco. 

I was flipping through old pictures and came 

across this one......it made me cry.

It was taken 3 years ago when I was still in the thick of it and taking exactly 1,027 pills a day. 

Give or take a few.

I remember thinking someday those words would come true for me.

And I just realized.......they DID come true. 

Someday is NOW.

I have been off all antibiotics for a little over a year now and I'm feeling fantastic. The best I have felt in years. No more doctors, no more pills, no more crazy tests, no more awkward contraptions pumping poisonous medicine into my veins. 

No more!

In case you are newer around here, in 2009 I was diagnosed with Lyme disease (FINALLY......after chasing down doctor after doctor for well over a year). 

It seems like so long ago sometimes, and then some days it seems like it all happened so recently. Parts of it stand out very vividly, and sometimes 2008-2012 just mush together into a blurry jumble.

But the point is......I made it. 

It's done. 

I rarely think about it, which is so weird because it was such a HUGE part of our lives for so long.

I am strong and healthy and every single time I get out and run I am so thankful for my body and all it has overcome. To say "I am thankful for my body" sounds extra cheesy, but those words are so true for me. There are times when I'm out running and climbing and pushing myself that I get emotional if I think about how far I've come. A few years ago I struggled to get a mile in around my neighborhood--Flash forward to now--Saturday I hurried out for a quick 10 miles on the mountain, no problem.

Time makes everything better.

Lyme made me stronger. It made me faster. 

It made me look at life differently. 

We completely changed our lifestyle because of it. 

How we eat, how we live. 

How we spend our free time. 

Were those four years hard?

Yes. Terribly.

But worth it?

Every day.

* * * * * *

Now I need your help--you all know I am terrible when it comes to email. 

I am the worst at responding--so sorry! Every month I get a few emails that are Lyme related. I really try to respond to these in a timely matter because I know what it's like when you are searching for answers. 

A lot of the questions I get are very similar, so I started thinking that maybe I should put up a Lyme Q&A here on the blog to direct people to. Lyme is getting a lot more attention these days, and I feel like more and more people are closer to getting the help they need. 

What questions do you have about Lyme? 

It presents itself differently in everyone, but I will do my best to answer what I know, and my own personal experiences.

If I could point one person in the right direction, I would be so happy.

Also, if you or someone you know has been diagnosed and have seen a Lyme Dr, could you pretty pretty please leave the Dr.s name here in the comments (and the area you are in). 

I would be nice to list a few LLMDs from around the country if I could.

In the next few weeks I will put up another post. I will share my own experience with Lyme (I will try to condense it down, promise) and I will do my best to answer your questions. Leave them here or if you'd rather, email me sheenajibson at gmail. 

(If I don't respond directly to you, I will answer your question here on the blog if I know the answer)

I look forward to hearing from you--don't be shy.

In the meantime, be grateful for your body.

Women are especially hard on themselves because they don't look a certain way. 

Can you walk? Can you run? Can you climb mountains? 

You never know when those things could be taken away from you.

Be grateful. 

I sure am.

What does your body do for you that makes you thankful?

this and that

our little family over the weekend....

so

many

things

happening.

Here is a little of this and that:

The Weekend

My sweet handsome boy was baptized and confirmed a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints over the weekend. (In our church we are baptized by immersion at age 8).
 It was such a happy weekend and we had family in from Montana, up and down California, Wyoming, and Colorado.
He is one loved (and seriously how handsome is he??!) little boy.

Chickens

My house is a Pet Store. Zoo. Petting Zoo. Our "chicks" are giant (and dirty and smelly) and the coop should be ready this weekend.......thank goodness....I need them out of my house. (pictures soon!)

Sugar

I'm going off sugar for the month. (whaaat??!! why??!!) I was inspired by my friend Hayley, who's doing a complete sugar cleanse, and feeling fantastic. I started reading more and more about it--finding different "cleanses" and trying to figure what would work best for me. I've always believed in everything in moderation.....so it's not forever--I've just been looking for a few new ways to jumpstart my body and get some of the junk out. I love baked goods......we all know that. I'm active and burn enough calories that I don't worry about my weekend dessert intake. I don't like candy--I have no problem passing it up....it's just the weekend cookies and spoonfuls of peanut butter and chocolate chips (heavy on the latter) at 4:00 (and maybe then 5:00 also) every afternoon. I really don't eat a lot of simple carbs, but I do like a good piece of artisan bread every now and then so I'm nixing that as well (and any other simple carbs that try to sneak in). I'm keeping fruit in my diet--I'm trying to get my short runs faster and my long runs longer.....so for now I want that fruit. The past few weeks I've even skipped out on whole wheat bread....so I'm basically trying to eat only whole foods (with no "ingredient lists") for right now. I won't be perfect, I guarantee a little of this and a bit of that will sneak it's way in, but I'm going to try the best I can for the month and see how I feel.
Anyone want to join me? 
(and yes, Sunday I had a giant banana split with homemade caramel AND homemade hot fudge to wish myself well on this sugarless journey.)

Running:

My friend somehow tricked me into singing up for a 20 mile trail race......in a few weeks. ha. ha. hahahahaha. I have been running, but nowhere near (nowhere!) 20 miles. So it should be really, really, interesting. And entertaining. And terrifying. And maybe, eventually, worth it. maybe.

Skin

While I have been off antibiotics for a while now (hooray!!) my body is still trying to rebuild after 3 years of on and off use (doesn't that just disgust you?!) My skin has suffered the most, and I feel like I have been running circles trying all kinds of "solutions". I have recently been reading up on The Oil Cleansing Method.....have you heard about this? (google it....you'll learn lots. THIS lays it out very simply). I'm going to give it a try and I will report back to you in a few weeks. (why was I on antibiotics forever? I've battled Lyme Disease for the past several years. I'm currently living symptom free (weeeeee!) after years of traditional and homeopathic treatment. read more posts here.)

School

We have 3 weeks of homeschool left! We have all learned so much (well, at least I hope they have learned something.) We definitely have our routine down each morning, and things go smoothly as long as I don't leave the room for more than 3 minutes.....otherwise they'll be rolling around on the floor in math facts and pronouns. My house is usually in some sort of disastrous state, but I know that right now this part of our lives is more important than my house being perfectly clean (or perfectly unpacked for that matter). Some days I turn in to "grumpy mom", so I have to make sure that "fun mom" makes appearances too. We try and find time to play outside and hike together each week. We play board games and read together outside of our school reading.

Reading

Robby and I are reading The Magician's Nephew to the kids right now. I have never read all of The Chronicles of Narnia, and we are loving reading this book together. 

One of the many benefits of homeshcool is that I get to read more. I read when my kids read....win win. Right now I am in the middle of Red: Passion and Patience in the Desert by Terry Tempest Williams. In the past year, I have declared my love for the desert over and over again, and this book has been so good for me to read. It brings the desert to me when I can't quite get there--I can feel the heat bouncing off the rocks and see the sun casting shadows over the sand when I read it. I'm pacing myself because I don't want it to end. (more desert photos from last week coming soon!)

and lastly......Soup

Soup?! In May?! Why yes....it was cold and rainy and I wanted soup. 

Kale and Bacon Soup

6-8 strips of bacon

1 onion, diced

4 large handfulls of kale, roughly chopped

4 garlic cloves, minced

2TBS chopped fresh oregano

2TBS chopped fresh thyme

pinch of red pepper flakes

1 can of diced tomatoes

2 cups of shredded zucchini (optional. I happend to have this in the freezer from last summer....)

2 cans of beans of your choice (I used black eyed peas and butter beans), drained and rinsed

4 cups of chicken broth

dash of worcestershire sauce

salt and pepper to taste

In a large pot, cook the bacon,
Remove from pan and add the onions, kale, garlic and cook for a few minutes. (add a bit of olive oil of the bacon fat isn't enough)
add pepper flakes and fresh herbs and cook for a few minutes more.
add tomatoes, zucchini if using.
add beans,  chicken broth, and worcestershire.
Salt and pepper to taste.
bring to a low boil and then turn heat down and simmer for at least a half hour so all the flavors can come together.

enjoy!

I think we are all caught up......for now anyway.

the come back

I woke up this morning, and knew today was the day.
It had been nine months since I was able to do it without stopping.
Fear and doubt had been standing in my way,
too high to climb, too large to go around.

I have mentioned before that my Lyme hit hard last fall.
What it affected most was my ability to run.
It was torture. 
Something I once loved so much, became nearly impossible.
My lungs refused the simple in-and-out of air.
My heart threatened to burst out of my chest.
My shoes filled with cement and glued themselves to the ground.
Distances got shorter (and felt longer)
Hills could only be done at a walk.
and soon, not at all.
Last fall I ran THIS relay, and on mile three of my 3rd leg,
my body just stopped.

"no more running",
it said.

I was devastated.
I have never quit.
anything.
My mind said "go!"
"don't stop!"
but nothing would listen.
all was still.

except my tears.

I stopped running.
I dove deeper and found some relief in yoga,
but I still feared I would never be back to my running self.
I missed it.
I needed it.
But I just couldn't.

I slowly (we are talking slllloooooowwwwwwwly)
started to run again in January.
It was hard.
heavy.
But I kept at it.
I had been working with my doctors, who were optimistic,
and I was starting (slowwwwwly) to see results.
a mile here.
another there .
walking up the hill,
but moving.

more miles,
small hills.
I started to feel good.
I raced.
I ran more hills.
steeper.
longer.
hard,
but possible.

I was doing it. 

But I still hadn't done The Hill.

The Hill is a hill I have been running for the past few years.
Sometimes I'd run it twice, just for kicks.

It's only 1.2 miles to the top....easy, right?
But you climb 510 feet in that mile.....
....yeah, you feel that.
your legs, your lungs, your heart.
They ask you to stop,
but you continue to climb.

The last time I ran The Hill,
I wasn't even half way up and my body refused to go.
My feet were just too heavy.
I had to stop.

This has haunted me ever since.

I have been afraid that upon my return,
I wouldn't be able to do it.

But I knew it had to be done.
And I knew it could be.
So I would try.

I slipped into my road shoes, which are always happy to greet me.
They don't get much action these days, as I prefer to run around in the mountains,
but they know what to do.

I was nervous.

What if I couldn't?
I would anyway.

I started out slow.
I checked in.
My legs felt good.
lungs, good.
heart, beating. good.

I pushed.
It got steeper.
steeper.
whoa.


I passed the point on the road where my body had given up last time.
I ran right through.

I have been listening to a lot of Fun,
and this lyric was playing on repeat in my head,
"oh my head is on fire,
 but my legs are fine,
after all they are mine"*

I checked in.

My legs were fine.
they were fine!
I had built this up so much in my head,
and I was fine.
I was doing it.

Step after step I climbed.
My legs carried me up up up to the top.

I made it.
I ran it.
It felt good.
I was back.

****

I have an incredibly cheesy (and for the most part useless) ability to turn any running situation into a metaphor for life.
Really, give me a challenge in life, and I will find someway to relate it to running.
Why does my brain work this way? Who knows.
In writing this I realized that no matter how down-and-out we may be,
NOTHING
is permanent.
Changes will slowly happen,
if we continue to try,
 and have patience.

Robby is just about done with school.
We are on a countdown by week now.
weeks!!!

Over the past two years there have been times,
low times,
where I just feared I couldn't do it.

He has been working so hard at school,
and it leaves me home by myself.
a lot.

It's lonely.
It's hard.
We miss him.
There have been times (several)
where I didn't know how we would ever be back to our normal family life.
Months seemed like they would take years.
One school block felt like a lifetime.
Time passed too slow.

But here we are.
I see the top of the hill.
I can check in with myself,
with my family,
and I know we are fine.
I have built it up in my head to be scarier than it really is.
We are making it.
We are almost,
just about,
steps away,
 from the top.
and it feels good.

*carry on, by fun

bloggity blah blah blah

black raspberries. summer 2011.

I think if there were a book of rules for blogging, the number one rule might have to be something along the lines of "never talk about your blog, on your blog". I mean, it's narcissistic enough that we sit down each day and talk about ourselves......let's not talk about ourselves, talking about ourselves. 

me me, mememe......it starts to sound like that.

right? 

But today I'm going to break that rule, (that I just made up)
and talk about 
The Blog.

I have been torn lately on what to do with The Blog (yes it's a proper noun). 

I have been blogging now for five years, and after that many posts I sometimes find myself wondering what I could possibly say that I haven't already said. I am really, truly, not that exciting
(I say this as I sit here in pajamas with a green clay facial mask on)

I do not blog crafty cuteness, my [lack of] fashionable outfits, or recycle popular material from other blogs. It's just me over here.

But the reason I stay here, bugging you each week with odd little bits of our funny little life,
is really because of YOU. 

(and you and you and you and, well......all of you. 
please tell me you love The Muppets too) 

I get so many emails each week from YOU, saying how you've made tiny changes for you, or your family, and I am just so happy to help. 
share. relate.

(ps. I am the WORST ever in the universe at replying to emails. My days just get so busy. I try try try,  but it usually takes me a while to get back....thank you for your kindness, and your patience:)

For those that don't know my whole story, 
here is the shortest, most simple version I can come up with:

Diagnosed with Lyme disease.

Lyme attacking my body. 

Need to make my body strong to fight back. 

Need to keep "foreign" things out of my body.

Start slooooooowly changing diet.

As few chemicals, fake, processed items going in to my body as possible. 

As many whole, real foods in to my body as I can cram in. 

It has been a slow change over the last few years, I'm still learning new things all the time, and applying them to our lives. Trying to find a balance that works for us.

We have also started to learn and appreciate more the healing powers of what we put in our bodies. I have mentioned before that my Lyme doctors offer a good mix of traditional medicine, as well as alternative treatments. We have learned that sometimes the things we need to help our bodies heal, grow, and be healthy, can be found simply in the grocery store, or even growing in our backyard.

I have also found the outdoors to be healing. This may not be for everyone, I realize, but I want to continue to share my love for being outside and convince as many people as I can to join me in the mountains. You know, and live in our hippie commune together, tossing our bras, our dreadlocks blowing in the wind. stuff like that.

I see so many people who are unhealthy, sick, tired, and just unwell. 

I see people trying to loose weight by eating processed, packaged food......that's not actually food. 

I see kids growing up not eating vegetables, or even knowing where food comes from.

I see people spending too much time indoors and on the couch. 

Kids who don't know how to play.
I know that ALL these things can be remedied by small and simple changes over time.

And THIS is why I must continue this silly little blog.

These are all things I LOVE to talk about. Things I KNOW about.

Things I am constantly learning about and have a strong desire to share, so we can all change together.

Things that I had to learn, because of my Lyme, but I am so happy that these changes came so early in my life so I could raise my kids this way. 

These are things that I want to share with you--you who are also learning right along with me,
or those who have no idea where to even begin.
and all you in-betweeners.

So now I want to ask you.....

What is it that YOU want to know?
What is it that you want to find here on The Blog?

What are you trying to change? 
Do you have questions about starting healthy habits?
Swapping out processed snacks for better options? I'm even playing around with the idea of having any willing participants send me a few items on your grocery list that you want to swap out for better options, and I will try to help.....what do you think? 
Who wants in?

Last year I wrote about my slow but sure change over the past few years (here--start at the bottom)

I am continuing the How to Eat Food and How to Play Outside series. 

But I feel like there is always more. 

More room to grow and learn--all of us.

I want The Little Red House to be full of good food, outside play, and just be a happy little place to share our ideas. 

And cake. 

Always, cake.

ps. I do not claim to know "it all". 

ha! 
haha, haha, ha.

maybe .05% of "it all". 

But I would love to help how I can.
When I can't help any more, then I will leave blogland and skip along on my merry way.
So don't be shy!

pps. I am going to start posting fascinating/informative food/health information links on my facebook page. 

Feel free to post any interesting articles you find as well. Also feel free to ask questions over there--sometimes it's easier for me to give a quick answer on my page, so everyone can see it, rather than email out the same answers to different people. 
This also gives others the opportunity to jump in and share their experiences as well.
We can all discuss and share and learn together. 


ppps. I am not perfect. Like I said, it's always a process of change, and finding a balance. 
For example, I love to bake, and it's not something I will give up. evvverrr. I make it work because I don't bake that often, and when I do, I TRY not to eat ALL of it. 
Are we 100% organic? No! 
I will never, ever be a vegetarian, gluten free, dairy free, etc. 
I would appreciate that criticizing comments be left unsaid--respect the choices that I have made for myself, and I will mind my own business about yours. gracias.

(un)planning ahead

As many of you know, I have spent the last few years traveling back and forth from here to San Francisco to see a Lyme Disease specialist. Well it was that time of year yet again, and we always try to plan something fun to go along with the appointment......so it's not sooo......Dr-y. We've hit up the city the past few times so we decided to go in another direction this time to explore. 

*side note for those interested: the appointment went extremely well! This has been a suuuuuuuuuper long journey, and we are thinking we may finally be near the end-ish, soon-ish. It's a very good feeling. 

If you happen to have lyme as well, and are looking for treatment, or looking into changing up your current treatment, give me a quick email and I can share some more information. My Drs offer up a good balance of traditional medicine and natural remedies, so if that is your thing, let's talk. We have been so happy with all of their help over the past few years*

After the appointment, we had planned on camping, and since it was a Thursday evening in March, we knew we didn't need to be in any rush to get to our campsite early.

We had no plans, and that's our very favorite place to be. 

Rather than taking the quickest way to our destination, we took to the coast. 

We ate seafood, we made stops. 

one after the other. 

blasting music, and taking our time.

no plans. no schedule. 

just a place we know we will eventually get to, and a slight idea of how to get there. 

This is my absolute favorite way to travel. 

 Here is what it looks like.

the end.

small and simple things

mmmm....

cupcakes.
a tiny little bite of happiness.
ok, maybe a few bites, unless you are being really piggy.
but you can't eat a cupcake and not be momentarily really, very, happy....
...even if it's just for those few bites.

A couple weeks ago I got a snarky-ish comment (delete!) on my post about having a simple year.
something along the lines of "this is really nice way of thinking, but you obviously don't have any real problems in your life"

hahahahahahahahahahahaha.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

You are right, my life is 100% problem free. yipee!
way to go ME. chest bump.

Well, actually, it's not. (gasp!)
But, I try the hardest I can every single day to look for,
search for,
DIG for if I have to,
little things that are happy.

We have the same stresser-outers that every young family has.
school. bills. let's move. let's find a new job. let's move NOW. this broke. that is breaking.
why do we live so far from family?
wow this house is really old.
 that thing broke again. We need a new ______.
Oh and let's not forget this nasty little bug I've been battling for 3 1/2 years. that's fun.
oh--and more bills! HOO-RAH!

But who cares about that junk?
I sure don't.
The reason I blog here is to try my hardest to share happiness--
and have you share your happiness back.
all the fun things in life, all the rainbows and glitter and kittens and unicorns. (melissa that is for you;)
oh, and talk about food of course.

If I lived my life without looking for little things, those big things would get really, really heavy.

So yes, I have become really good in making small things, big. 

Saturday I ran. 
On a trail. Covered in mud and snow.
Running has been hard--I relapsed last fall and I am very,
very, sloooowwwwly building my endurance back up.
But I was out RUNNING! In the sunshine! I had mud flying up my back and into my hair and I LOVED it. I was so full of happiness I was about to burst.

I love cooking for my family . 
Oh yes, there are those nights at 5 o'clock I still have no idea what I'm making (nights like that it's usually grilled cheese, or eggs, or both). But I love the days--like this weekend--where I have everything planned out start to finish--appetizer to dessert, and I get hugs and kisses and thank-yous for dinner. 

I think being able to find happiness, 
comes from knowing what YOU like.
close your eyes, and think about it.....what makes YOU just-about-to-burst-happy?

Make a list.

I like mountains. looking at them. climbing them. running them. being on top of them.
I like canvas shoes. vans. keds. cons.
I like arm balances in yoga.

I like warm chocolate chip cookies. ala mode.

I like a really good burger.

I like old books.

I like bananas when they are a little bit green.

I like road trips. Driving or riding.

I like campfires.

I like stripes.

I like smart comedy.

I like the ice at Cafe Rio.

I like summer.
I like skirts in the summer.

I like The Weepies.

I like sleeping in.

I like board games.
I like home-grown lettuce.

I like running in the mud.

I like digging in the mud.

I like goat cheese.

I like the smell of tomato plants. yes, the plant part.

I'm constantly adding to my list, and always trying to figure out how to get more of those things in to my life. (more goat cheese, yes please!)

They are all small things.....I mean yes, I would REALLY like a trip to Switzerland, or a giant farmhouse on a few acres. 

But the smaller things are a bit more realistic.

Chocolate Cupcakes with Cherry Mascarpone Frosting
makes 16-20 cupcakes, and can easily be halved

cupcakes
1 cup boiling water
1/2c unsweetened baking cocoa
1 1/3 c brown sugar
1c + 3TBS cake flour
1t baking soda
1/2 t salt
1 c butter, melted
1/2c buttermilk
2 eggs
2 egg yolks
2t pure vanilla extract

Preheat to 350°
Line cupcake pans with liners and set aside.

Combine the cocoa, sugar, flour, baking soda and salt in large bowl and whisk together.
 In a stand mixer, mix the melted butter, buttermilk, eggs, egg yolks, vanilla, and hot water until well combined.

Add dry mixture to wet, and mix until just combined--careful not to over mix.

Bake in lined cupcake pans for 18-20 minutes

Cool completely before frosting.

Cherry Mascarpone Frosting
disclaimer: for the most part, when I make frosting.....I don't measure. I just add a little of this and a little more of that until I like it. So if you like to do that, then here are approximate measurements for you:
This frosting has a light cherry flavor. I am not a fan of artificial cherry flavor, and it's winter so fresh cherries were out of the question. I found a yummy jar of cherry preserves w/out artificial flavors or colors, that I thought went really nicely with the mascarpone and chocolate. This frosting is soft and light--not as set up as a buttercream (too soft for piping), but not as light as whipped cream.


8oz mascarpone cheese
(about) 1/2 cup cherry preserves
(somewhere near) 1 1/2 cup powder sugar
(around, oh....) 1/4 cup whipping cream
shaved dark chocolate, for garnish

With a handheld mixer, beat mascarpone, cherry preserves, and powdered sugar until combined. Taste it! want more cherry? Add more. Too tart? add more sugar. This is how I make things.
When you have a flavor you like, beat in whipping cream until you have a nice, light consistency.

Right before I frosted them, I folded an extra spoonful of preserves in for color.
Sprinkle with chocolate!
Keep this refrigerated.....unless you will be eating them right away....like we might have.

I hope you can enjoy something small and simple today.
.....or at least just makes some cupcakes.

What is on your "I like" list?
(if you blog your likes, feel free to link back here so others can see!)

edited to add:

the cupcake liners are Wilton. I found them at Michaels.

minor adjustments

aaaahhhh the weekend. 

Gone again too quickly.
This weekend was funny.
You see, Robby and I had a Super Date planned.
We were to hit up my bi-annual doctors appointment in San Francisco (par-tay!), and then spend the night/day exploring Big Basin State Park, while the kids were busy at Grandma's.
I had been dreaming of wandering though the Redwoods for months....and just TWO days before we were supposed to leave, the medical roller coaster that I have been riding derailed and we had to postpone my Dr's appointment for a few more months.
(sidenote: if you ever find yourself in line for a medical roller coaster, EXIT TO YOUR RIGHT IMMEDIATELY. 
While thrilling around every bend, they are no fun, and waaaaaaaaaaaay overpriced. )


So I'd had my sights set on a weekend adventure.....what should we do now?
There would definitely be no misty walks through giants, but we made a few adjustments to our plans and decided......
.....we should go snowshoeing. Yep, that's what we would do.

Backstory:
Ever since I have been a mother, I have LOATHED winter. 

Hated it.
Spat upon it.
I mean, what good is winter after Christmas?
CURSE YOU WINTER!
With little ones, it takes exactly 1000 times longer to bundle up and get anywhere.
You just can't get out. No escape!!
Last year though, I decided to change my attitude.
I forced myself to like winter.
Extra layers, extra baking, extra fires and snuggling.
Finding more indoor things to love so I could ignore winter knocking at my door....and it turned out to be ok.
(You can see all my faking it in last year's winter wednesday posts)

But this year, I didn't want to fake it anymore.
I didn't want to just get through winter....I wanted to actually enjoy it.
So I had to adjust more than my attitude.
I had to adjust my actions.
Pick myself up off the warm couch.
Pry myself away from the oven.
Get out those 1217 layers that we wear when it's frosty,
and head for the hills.

And it was the BEST.
Sunshine and sparkly snow.
Heading off the beaten path and making our own trail.
"new tracks!!" we would yell as we ran across our blank canvas, leaving our tiny marks.
Climbing up a hill so steep I actually had to pull my girl up with the dog's leash....and then
laughing hysterically as we all slid-and-slided our way down.

Bless you winter.

I think I may be falling for you.

all photos taken up Millcreek Canyon. 
trail: our own.


ps. please note that my child is simply "resting in the sun" as she put it, and not injured or deceased as it may look in a few photos up.


What do YOU do to enjoy winter?

the post where you might decide I'm weird....

.....you know, because I'm growing bacteria in my closet. 

I have to laugh at myself, because BOY does this blog have major ADD. 

A post with ice cream yesterday (cream! sugar! egg yolks!), and a post on kefir (probably one of the most beneficial things you could put into your body) today.

So I'm a little all over the place......oh well.

What is kefir anyway? 

Well it's fermented milk.....and simply put, it's like yogurt on steroids. 

As you probably know, yogurt contains millions of tiny little probiotics--bacteria that is GOOD for you, and that your body needs to live in peace and harmony. 

Take it from someone who knows the benefits of probiotics- I have been on ANTIbiotics on and off for the last 3 years (and we are talking some super human doses of antibiotics), and let me tell you--that stuff messes you up. 

So I have always taken large amounts of probiotics in the pill form, we are yogurt lovers around here (sometimes I even make my own), but it was just these last few months that I've discovered the endless list of benefits that kefir provides. 

Kefir contains different strains of bacteria than yogurt does--and much more of it. 

It also contains yeast cultures, which your body also needs to thrive. 

Just a few of the many benefits:

-it provides healthy bacteria and yeast, vitamins, minerals, essential amino acids, and complete proteins that your body just loves.

-it helps build up your immune system (super important for me since I've been dealing with Lyme!), but this can benefit everyone!

And I found THIS amazing list of benefits (so I think it basically helps with just about everything. I wonder if it can fix the hole in the o-zone?)

Making it is very (very!) simple. 

The frist thing you have to do it find your kefir grains.

It's easiest if you can find someone who is making their kefir(this is what I did)--the grains grow with each batch (are you totally weirded out yet?) so if you're making it you will always have grains to spare. 

If not, I know there are places online that you can order them from....just let google be your guide.

This is what the grains look like:

weird, right? 

*IT'S IMPORTANT THAT THE GRAINS DON'T COME IN CONTACT WITH METAL. 

NO METAL UTENSILS/STRAINER*

All you do is simply add your grains (a few TBS) to a clean jar and fill it with milk (see below).

Cover with a paper towel so it can "breathe" (still weird) and secure with a rubber band.

Find a room temperature place where it can sit undisturbed so it can work it's bacterial magic. 

I put mine on a top shelf in the cupboard.

My first batch took about 3 days--the grains had been dormant in water (they don't do anything unless they are in milk) for a while, so it took them a bit to get going. 

My next batch took a little over 24 hours (this is the norm)

You can add a little more time if you want it a bit more sour.

So how do you know when it's done? 

It's thicker than milk, but not as thick as yogurt. 

Your grains will have grown (they'll be on top), and well, you can smell it. 

Let's not lie, it smells pretty sour.

Now you're going to pour it through a strainer (remember no metal) to catch the grains, and then pour your kefir into a pitcher and refrigerate. 

You can use your grains to start your next batch, or put them into a jar of water to keep them dormant until you need them again.

So what do you do with this stuff?

I've heard that some people drink it plain.....but I am not going to ask you to do that. 

For the last 3 months we've become smoothie addicts! 

This stuff blends perfectly in with fruit and veggies so it tastes delicious, and you get all the awesome health benefits of the kefir.

We have a smoothie for breakfast, or after school, every single day. 

Here is one of the many combinations we like:

Mixed Berry and Kefir Smoothie

(amounts are estimates.....really I'm just dumping stuff in)

makes 3-4 smoothies

add to blender:

2 cups frozen mixed berries

2 bananas

1-2 cup kefir, depending on how thick you like your smoothies

2-3 mandarin oranges (or 1 orange, or o.j.)

small handful raw rolled oats

small handful almonds

small handful ground flax seed

cup of chopped spinach/kale

BLEND!

more on kefir 

here

here

here

and a good step by step photo tutorial here

I found several websites getting very technical about exact amounts of milk, temperatures, etc, but mine turned out just fine following these very basic instructions from my sis-in-law, who gave me the grains.

If this is something you are even a little bit interested--please give it a try! 

Without getting into all the gory details, let me just promise you that my tummy has never been happier after we've added this to our daily diet. 

If you are interested in kefir, but don't feel like being the weirdo who makes it in her closet, you can buy kefir in health food stores.....but that's not as fun, is it?

I dare you to try it.

ps. I'm curious to know what you put in your smoothies?!

dear december,

dear santa, we have been good. 

mostly.

Dear December,

Welcome! 

Let's try to keep it slow this year.....ok? 

You always fly by too quickly and we have lots of fun things to do, and  a very large amount of butter that I plan on using while you are here. 

So stick around for a while.

Dear Snow,

Where are you? It's December, you should be here.

I'm sorry I complain about you in February, March, and April......

...but it's December. 

I will welcome you with open (triple layers of clothing) arms.

Dear Christmas Music,

you make everything so magical! Thank you!

I hardly even noticed I was doing dishes with all the fa-la-la-ing going on. 

Dear House, 

I am so sorry. 

Boxes and barrels of tinsel and holly exploding everywhere I look. 

Ok actually it's plastic bins and cardboard boxes of pretty normal Christmas stuff, 

but tinsel and holly sounded better. 

Anyway, House. 

You are a mess. 

We will have you decked with sparkly ornaments in no time. 

Dear Body,

(are you nervous for this one?)

Today marks a special day for us.

You should be excited to know that we are done.....DONE! with antibiotics!

(some of you may know that I have been fighting (and beating!) Lyme Disease for the past 3 1/2 years.)

After almost three straight years on antibiotics (with a few breaks here and there and lots of herbals and magic potions to go with them), 

I just finished up the final antibiotic push. 

Body, this is AAAHHHMAZING news.

We are quite the team.

Dear The Family Stone,

you are one of my favorite movies of all time,

and I can't wait to watch you 1,000 times this month and cry like a baby.

Dear Girl Next to Me in Yoga,

Sometimes you are really close, and I notice that your toenails are really long, and I'm afraid they might cut me. 

Let's maybe work on that. 

Dear Roaring Fire in the Fireplace,

You also make everything magical. 

You+Christmas Music and my brain just might explode. 

Dear People Who Say the Holiday Season is Stressful,

I am sad for you.

Maybe take it down a notch. 

Simplify.

Really, you don't have to take on so much stuff. 

You do not need your sweater to match your baby's hair bow to match the tablecloth.

Your kids don't need 137 toys.

Relax, and enjoy it.....it is the Best.

The BEST!

Dear Montana,

I miss you when it's time to go get a Christmas tree.

You know, imperfect little trees in the mountains, with snow and cocoa and sledding and using an ax.

These are things that the Home Depot tree lot doesn't offer. 

Dear Christmas Shopping Online,

bless you.

bless you.

Dear The Princess Bride,

you are a very fun book to read. 

Dear Burl Ives,

I realize that you are no longer living, 

but that doesn't keep me from wishing you could come read us Christmas stories. 

Your voice is the best.

Dear Self,

settle down. 

You get much too excited this time of year.

Sincerely Yours/All My Love/Best Wishes/Wishing You Were Alive/Thank you,

sheena

the weeeeeeeeeeeekend

it somehow leaked all the way into Tuesday.

how is it Wednesday?

I thrifted. (cuuuuuuuuuutest vintage wool skirt!)

I shot a beautiful wedding. 

Listened to inspiring words from our church leaders.

Visited my Dr. in San Francisco (all went well, things are moving along nicely)

Drove the rainy city with some crazy girls.

Stopped for jumping photos (of course)

Ate. Dessert.

And as much fun as it all was........

I am so happy to be home. 

I am the biggest baby when it comes to leaving my family. 

The airplane couldn't fly fast enough to get me back to them and the busy plainness of our day to day lives. 

Today is quiet, rainy. 

School has come and gone. 

We sit, reading and doing homework, while The Weepies sing to us in the background. 

They sip hot cocoa and I choke down  sip a blended herbal concoction ordered up by my doc.

it was a really good weekend, and it's been a very nice today.

san fran also blogged here and here

this and that

photo from last fall

aaaaahhhhhh, the weekend.....it never gets old, does it? 

here's a little from our week:

Eating: SOUP! I love soup. It is sooooooo NOT soup weather yet, we all dripped sweat into our bowls as we ate our supper in the 85° weather. But, it's fall, and therefore, we eat soup.

Still fantasizing about: I had a Hatch Family Chocolates frozen hot chocolate last weekend.....mmmmmmm.....

Running: or trying that is. Extra time is hard to come by these days, but this race is coming up in just a few short weeks....I need to get on it!

Seeing: Each morning on our drive to school we see more signs of fall all around us. The mountains are about to explode with color!

Smelling: Woodsmoke at night. I love it.

Feeling: cold. cold. SO HOT. Sweaty. Cold. Fall weather is confusing.

Watching: Up All Night. I really really love Will Arnett, and think this new show is going to be a keeper.

Wishing: We could go camping. Right. This. Second. The air is so perfectly crisp and I wish to fall asleep under a colorful canopy of aspens. 

Quoting: Jim Henson (see more of my favorite quotes here)

photo by me, from this trip.


Photographing: For our cookbook shoot this week I shot a whole cooked fish. With eyes. And teeth. I swear it winked at me. This weekend I'll be shooting a gorgeous bride....that is about as opposite as you can get, my friends.
Anticipating: I have a big Dr appointment (darn lyme) on Monday. It's always a mix of excitement/nerves/sweaty armpits/gassy-thoughts-of-what-will-he-say, fluttering around in my stomach.....gulp.

Loving: Dieter F. Uchtdorf's talk from last weekend. Please, please, if you have a couple extra minutes go read it. Here is just one of my favorite parts--he is talking about the story "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory", when Willy Wonka hides the coveted Golden Ticket in five of his candy bars. 

Pres. Uchtdorf says:

"In this classic children’s story, people all  over the world desperately yearn to find a golden ticket. Some feel that their entire 

future happiness depends on whether or not a golden ticket falls into their hands. In their anxiousness, people begin to forget the simple joy they used to find in a candy bar. The candy bar itself becomes an utter disappointment if it does not contain a golden ticket."

point being, let's all try to enjoy the little things a bit more......and eat more chocolate:)

You can go HERE to read the rest (I promise you'll like it!)

Have a fun weekend!! 

I'll be back in a few days, after I've sweat nervously all over the Dr's office.