best of friends (....most of the time....)
I have deleted this post about 37 times
(give or take a few).
I have tried to post about other things today......and each time I've failed.
These words just keep coming back to me, and I can't seem to shake them.
You see, I hadn't planned talking much about this--not because I "can't bare too", or because it's "too personal"....just because.....I never thought about sharing it. That's all.
It's not the usual mountain adventure or winter soup recipe.
But I feel like I should.....for some strange reason that won't get off my back. Maybe there is one person out there that needs to hear it? I don't know, but here we go.
Five weeks ago I found out I had miscarried.
(whoa, didn't even give you time to warm up. bam.)
I was 10 weeks pregnant and went in for my first checkup. I was so ridiculously nervous, and I had no idea why. I had been this way the entire pregnancy--worrying, doubting, lips sealed with a secret, and afraid to make any future plans.
Nothing was wrong, nothing had happened--no signs. Just a feeling.
I wanted so badly for Robby to be at that first appointment, but he was home with the kids.
It was just me and the Dr. in the ultrasound room,
and as soon as I saw his face, I knew.
I didn't even have to look at the screen.
It was weird.
Try as I might, there is no other word to describe that very moment, or the next few days of sadness, a quick surgery, more tears, and laying low to let my body and mind accept what had happened.
A blur of numbness and tears and wondering.
and craaaazzzzzy hormonal emotions.
and lots and lots of brownies.
Why? We had be waiting for so long.
This mother is not getting any younger,
and my "baby" is only getting older and older and bigger and older. (stop!)
I tried to tell myself that it happens all the time. Maybe YOU'VE been through it? I know people who've had this happen, and they have survived. But then it happened to ME, and it's all the sudden so different. Had you turned me upside down and shook me, you'd have seen every emotion fall out on to the ground. I was a mess of ups and downs.
Flash forward to today.
My kids have never been so loved. Ever.
They have never been squeezed and kissed and snuggled so much in their lives. I have never appreciated them and what they add to our lives, the way I do today. I am realizing more each day what blessings they truly are to my life.
How lucky am I?!
These past few years of wanting a baby and not having one has been draining. It is exhausting on a mind to want something so badly (something that EVERYONE else seems to have), and not being able to have it. It's even harder when people can't resist stupid comments--
"your kids really need more siblings."
"are you done? you're having more right?"
"oh only two? that's easy."
Those comments started to weigh me down. I felt sorry and judged. I would catch myself almost apologetic for "only" having two. Like my two weren't enough.
Until now. Today. My two are more than enough. More than I could have asked for. There is no right number of children for my family to have. I am no better or worse than the mother with 0 or 4 or 9 or 28 children. My two deserve all of my love at every moment of every day--whether it's just the two of them, or whether we decide to add 12 more. And THAT part is none of your business, and if you dare to ask me, I will kindly put you in your place, thank you.
I don't know if this was the lesson I was supposed to learn through all of this, but I am thankful that I have learned so much.
Thankful for my two.
What are you thankful for today?